There's so much going on.
There are pieces for normal household tasks: hanging up clothes, cleaning the toilet, doing the dishes, making dinner, dusting, vacuuming, yadda, yadda, yadda.
There are pieces for being a mom: bathing the child, doing her hair, laying out clothes, supervising the teeth brushing, putting her to bed, fixing her food, playing with her, spending time with her, reading to her.....
There are pieces for being a wife: actually TALKING to my husband, spending time with him, date nights (what is that?!?)....
There are pieces for being a college students: claases to attend, papers to write, books to read, and tests to study for, blah, blah, blah...
There are pieces for relationships: spending time with parents, spending time with friends, listening, talking.....
There are pieces for ME: reading a book - for fun, exercising, watching what I eat, getting enough sleep, taking a shower, doing my hair....
And then.....
There's diabetes. Ugh.
There are pieces for carb counting, basal rates, carb ratios, ISF, IOB, when to change the pump site, trend information, ketones, sick days, glycemic index....
And when you put all those pieces together?
Well, it's SUPPOSED to make a beautiful picture.
But I can't figure it out. All I see are pieces. I can't figure out how they are supposed to all fit together.
And today it hit me.
It's because I have TOO MANY PIECES.
HOW am I supposed to be able to make my pieces into a picture if I have too many pieces?
Something has to give.
The outside pieces are the non-negotiable ones. The things you HAVE to do.
Like shower (at least occasionally!). Take care of your child. Work. Maintain a relationship with your hubby.
The inside pieces are the ones where you have a little more wiggle room.
Before D entered our lives, my puzzle fit. It was a little tight at times. Or so I thought back then.... but I made it work. The pieces fit together nicely.
And now....
Well, D entered our lives exactly three years ago today, and took over those outside piece spots. Above everything else, D became the HAVE TO in our lives.
Think about that for a minute. One day you wake up and your priorities have been TOTALLY reorganized. What once was important, what you once considered a MUST DO, MUST HAVE... is not an outside piece any longer.
And the NEW outside pieces? They are do or die. You might have thought you HAD to shower every day. But now you realize that no.... you really don't HAVE TO. You HAVE TO count carbs. You HAVE TO administer the correct amount of insulin. You HAVE TO .... because if you don't .... well, it's do or die.
So D took over the outside pieces. Taking care of your child in the other, normal ways are still there. Work is still there. Family is still there....
But SOME of those pieces.... SOME of those details have been shoved into the middle. And there's just not enough space for all the pieces.
At least not all at the same time.
So what do you do? What gives?
For me, over the past three years, what has "given" has been ME. Taking care of myself. Exercising. Eating healthy. I've been too tired to care.
I'll be honest... time with my hubby has "given", too. The concept of date night is laughable anymore. We RARELY spend time alone. And after she goes to bed? We're too tired. It's not uncommon for us to not talk about anything but who's doing what and diabetes related things for days.
This is not good.
I know I'm not alone in this.
But if I make these things a priority, then what is going to give?
How do you make it fit?
For me, this aspect of D has been very humbling. I've always prided myself on being a go-getter, a do-it-all and do-it-all-well kind of person. I DO NOT LIKE admitting that I can't. I don't like not being able to give it ALL 100%.
But I can't.
I have tried, and tried, and tried. But I can't get all the pieces to fit.
The only thing left to do is sit down and really THINK about my picture. What do I want this picture to look like? And then decide what pieces MUST there to make it all fit together the way it should.
I wish this was a post where I could fill you in on the secret at the end. Where I could tell you what works for me. What I've figured out. What I've learned.
But I can't.
Cuz I don't know. I don't know what the secret is.
I don't know how to get all the puzzle pieces to fit.
But I'm determined to figure it out. I just may have to get out the scissors to make it happen.
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